Today, I have 6 months clean! How'd I do it? By trying to practice honest, openminded, and willingness. Listening to my sponsor. Going to meetings. Working steps. Thank you so much to all those who have been there for me. I am truly grateful.
If there is a particular format you'd like to see this site take please let me know. Either email me or leave a tag on the tagboard.
I really have to keep on myself about doing the right thing and working my steps. And, I don't just mean writing on them, but actually putting them to work in my life. Honesty is something I work on everyday. I see people come in and go back out and come back in and go back out and, well, you get the point. My heart hurts for them, but I know I can't carry them. What I can do is learn from them. They, not only remind me that it's no better out there, but also show me why I MUST be honest. Which doesn't mean, as my sponsor would say, just telling the truth. Honesty, for me today, has more to do with checking my motives and getting real about who I am and how my disease works in my life.
My disease would have me act out of impulse, constantly fucking up my life. My program gives me that few extra minutes I need between thought and action to get honest about why I want to ___________ (fill in the blank). Thank God for recovery and all you people out there who keep me alive each day.
Just a reminder to check out New Directions recovery store. You can subcribe to a daily meditation that is great.
Ever have one of those days when everything is going good. You're relatively sure of everything, and then BOOM! something happens to shake all that. That's where I'm at. I'm obsessing and I'm really trying to turn this particular crap over to my Higher Power, but I'm having a little trouble letting go. I know my Higher Power doesn't test me. That's my belief. My Higher Power has no need to test me. The only thing that a Higher Power could test would be my willpower (of which I have none, that's why I rely on Him for my recovery) or my belief. My Higher Power also doesn't test my belief. It's pointless, so shit happens. Life shows up, and I've got to use the tools that have been given me by all the wonderful people in my recovery. Sometimes it's just hard to STOP obsessing over things. Anyway, I'll make it, but I should probably call my sponsor, huh? That makes a lot of sense.
I have a great friend in recovery and her grandmother is ill. Please include both in your prayers. They are very close, and I know from experience how difficult it can be to go through this.
I shared last night that I'm having some resentment issues with a particular person in my life. It's all money related, and I'm getting really tired of wasting good recovery time and energy on this person. But, I feel justified in being angry. This is a very dangerous thing for me. My sponsor has told me time and time again in my recovery that a justified resentment is one of the most dangerous things to staying clean. So, I'm trying to work a first step and first tradition on this. I'm trying to accept my powerlessness over her financial decisions and move on. There is really nothing I can do to stop her from wasting her money and then crying to me about not having any. And, sometimes (by way of the 1st tradition) we have to give more in a relationship or situation and not expect more in return for the good of the group. What's important is my son, and I have to keep that at the forefront of my mind. And, even more important is my recovery. Anyway, I feel better. For those of you who know me, no, I'm not talking about Red......
The daily meditation, Daily Directions, is up and running. It's fantastic and easy. I hightly recommed it. Thanks bagilla for all of your hard work.
Today, I'm just full of gratitude for all the wonder people in my life. People in my life continue to amaze me with their generosity and love. Yesterday, my sister sent me journal out of nowhere. Just to say "I love you." How awesome is that. My mother and grandparents have been providing for me financially since a lost my job. Without their support I'd be homeless. My wonderful girlfriend, Red, has planned an unbelievable weekend to celebrate Valentine's Day, my 6 month clean date (25th... not there yet, but optimism never hurt) and our 6 months together (24th). Plus, all the people I have in NA just keep amazing me with their kindness and support. Today, I am definitely grateful for everyone one in my life: family and friends alike.
http://metrocreative.blogspot.com
A large part of my second step work is talking to others about what they believe about their Higher Power and how they came to that belief. I would love to hear any of your suggestions or experiences. I've already learned a tremendous amount.
Apparently, my lastest feature was a mistake on my part. The Just For Today meditation cannot be reproduced. I apologize to all. Instead, I will be linking to a site that has a daily meditation you can subcribe to. They also have lots of other great recovery "stuff." Check them out! I highly recommend them as a source for books and gift items you might need.
"We are grateful that we were made so welcome at meetings that we felt comfortable." Basic Text, p. 80
Remember how scared we were when we walked into our first NA meeting? Even if we walked in with a friend, most of us recall how difficult it was to attend that first meeting. What was it that kept us coming back? Most of us have grateful memories of the welcome we were given and how comfortable that made us feel. When we raised our hand as a newcomer, we opened the door for other members to approach us and welcome us.
Sometimes the difference between those addicts who walk back out the door of their first meeting, never to return to NA, and the addicts who stay to seek recovery is the simple hug of an NA member. When we have been clean awhile, it's easy to step back from the procession of newcomers-- after all, we've seen so many people come and go. But members with some clean time can make the difference between the addict who doesn't return and the addict who keeps coming back. By offering our phone numbers, a hug, or just a warm welcome, we extend the hand of Narcotics Anonymous to the addict who still suffers.
Just for today: I remember the welcome I was given when I first came to NA. Today, I will express my gratitude by offering a hug to a newcomer.
"For us, recovery is more than just pleasure." Basic Text, p.42
In our active addiction, most of us knew exactly how we were going to feel from one day to the next. All we had to do was read the label on the bottle or know what was in the bag. We planned our feelings, and our goal for each day was to feel good.
In recovery, we're liable to feel anything from one day to the next, even from one minute to the next. We may feel energetic and happy in the morning, then strangely let down and sad in the afternoon. Because we no longer plan our feelings for the day each morning, we could end up having feelings that are somewhat inconvenient, like feeling tired in the morning and wide-awake at bedtime.
Of course, there's always the possibility we could feel good, but that isn't the point. Today, our main cocern is not feeling good but learning to understand and deal with our feelings, no matter what they are. We do this by working the steps and sharing our feelings with others.
Just for today: I will accept my feelings, whatever they may be, just as they are. I will practice the program and learn to live with my feelings.
Starting tomorrow, the daily meditation from Just For Today will be logged so that all who get to work and realize they forgot to read it will be able to.......
God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
Then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall, go to the limits of your longing
Embody me.
Flare up like flame, and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
No feeling is final. Just keep going.
Do not let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.
Often in meeting we talk about where we are at, which my sick mind uses against me when I'm not sure how to answer that question. "How can you not know?" my mind says. "Maybe this isnt' working?" my disease adds. Here I am. Unsure of where I am at. I'm happy-- mostly. And, there is definitely hope. I've been really tired a lot lately, and I think that is a direct result of not taking care of myself mentally, physically, and spiritually. I've been drinking too much coffee, not eating as well as I was, and missing too many journal entries and daily meditations. I'm letting life get in the way of my recovery. Better yet, I'm letting laziness get in the way of my daily maintenance. I don't want to use today, but I also know it could be better. I guess, I'm just not exactly sure where I'm at in my recovery, on step work, with my sponsor, etc. And that makes me feel uncomfortable. To me, there are two possible answers and both could be equally correct. I haven't spent enough time with myself to get a good gauge at where I am in my recovery and/or I'm right where I am suppose to be and I'm not ready to accept that. Anyway, that's all I've got for now.
Good Luck, Bagilla. The right thing is not always the easy thing, but IT IS always the right thing. I'm a confrontation hater myself. In fact, I've been know to sit and stew in resentment and anger for days, even months, before finally letting go and doing the right thing. I recently had a situation just like this. My partner expressed a desire to do something that I felt was wrong for me and my recovery. No! I knew it was. So, I asked my higher power for some guidance, and Walah! I got it. I was honest in a loving, non-judgemental way, and things worked out just great. Hang in there.
--metro
