1st Step: Desperation

I went to my sponsor's home group last night and was fortunate to hear a guy's story that was celebrating one year clean. I love hearing gut honesty and that's what he offered. It was a strong message of recovery. What struck me the most, though, was his characterization of the first step as painful.

I remember working the first step with my sponsor. As I neared the point of moving to the 2nd step, I was feeling more and more empty. I felt terrible inside. I told my sponsor, and I remember him telling me, "Good. That means you're working the 1st step honestly."

"It's supposed to be painful," he said.

Often, I hear someone talk about how "easy" the 1st step was or how wonderful they felt after working the 1st step, and I always hear my sponsor's voice in my head. The first step, for me, was about admitting defeat, not by just saying the words, but getting honest about my actions, my obsessive/compulsive behavior, and recognizing the futility of my attempts to bargain with my addiction. Most importantly, it was about reservations. As I looked honestly at my reservations, my own level of denial and confusion troubled me deeply.

I'm grateful that the process of recovery is not about "being happy" or "feeling great" all the time. It's about getting honest and getting better. If it were easy it would mean nothing to me. Hell, if it were easy, I wouldn't be doing it. I'd probably still be using, or dead, or in jail. It's awfully hard to understand what joy and success are unless I know intimately what sadness and failure are.

Step 6

The Steps...wow! I went over to my sponsor's house tonight to finish my step 6....that did not happen. We have been going over my step for a while and I thought I would be finshed tonight but oh well. I got angry, felt hurt, stupid, but yet hopeful. I told my sponsor I wanted to throw my book in the road and watch a semi run it over while I video taped it and all the while flipping off the camera. She said she was proud of me for being honest. I told her I wanted to say Fuck it all and she said that is good that you are being honest....and I understand. She said I could take a break, but I said I want to get better and I want to heal. She said that I was motivated and that made me very hopeful. She gave me a book to read about feelings. I have been writing paragraphs on thinking rather than feeling. I found out that I really don't know HOW to feel. I have been scared to feel...because of my past. My mom always told me to pretend that everything is OK. My dad felt so much that he killed himself. I then ask, where does that leave me?? I talked it over with my sponsor and we both think I can have my own beliefs on feelings, not mom or dads. I am going to list feelings to help me identify them with my character defects. I have hope that I will become the person that my HP wants me to be by feeling and working on this step. I have to remember NA is a simple program, but NOT easy.

Friends

I cannot even....I don't know where to start. In recovery, I have met the coolest people and the best of the best friends I could ever ask for. I remember the times when people told me I was their friend and they thought I was great and they would always be there for me....they lied. Today, in recovery, I have so many wonderful people in my life that it brings tears of happiness and gratitude. Sometimes It overwhelms me and I ask myself If I deserve them. I love all of my friends and would NEVER have met them if I was not in recovery. Thank you NA and HP for introducing my true soulmates.

Swimming in the Deep End of the Cess Pool

How quickly I can go from grateful to hateful never ceases to amaze me. I've just been in one of those funks lately where I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, nothing seems worthwhile, and it's so hard to see the joy in everyday life. I suffer from depression on a fairly regular basis- about once every 3-6 months whether I like it or not. But, I can honestly say that it's so much better going through it clean. The valleys are much lower, and I have tools and support to help me get through it.

I heard a newcomer share a few days ago that she was angry and confused. "I wake up in the morning and I have no idea whether I'm sad or happy." I knew exactly how she felt. I think for a lot of people, a statement like that would sound so foreign. How can you not know how you feel? But, I knew exactly what she means, as all addicts do. It gets frustrating sometimes. I want to be grown up. I want to embrace life and responsibility, but there is always this gravity pulling me toward something darker. On the days when I have the most using thoughts, it's never about the "good" times or having fun. It's always the path lined with razor-wire that entices me. . . telling me to come back where it's comfortable and I can be a victim.

So, last night I asked that my Higher Power take MY will and life, because that's the root cause. Usually, when I'm feeling so disillusioned it's because I'm confused about what I want and need. Nothing seems like enough. I'm scared or bored or tired or angry. What I have to remind myself is that I've never really been able to recognize what I want and need. I've never been very good at discerning what is good for me. That's why it's so important to turn my will over to my Higher Power. My HP can help me align my will with its will. Even though my feet feel like they are made of lead sometimes, I'm so glad I have NA.

Uh...Thank HP for Recovery

People's cruelty never ceases to amaze me. How about a bunch of kids who'll never have a chance to have an original thought? My gratitude meter just went up a few notches for my recovery and Higher Power, and my happiness meter just went down a few notches for these poor kids.




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Complacent

Lately, I've been feeling my arch-nemesis complacency sneaking up on me. I'm doing pretty good. I don't have much chaos or drama in my life. I've settled into the daily trappings of life. As a result, I feel the need to stir the cauldron. I have irrational desires to do things I know are no good for me. Like blog about feeling complacent when I should be doing my damn job.

Anyway, I went to a great meeting last night and came to some acceptance that I really need to branch out. I need to go to some different meetings. We talk about willingness all the time, and I remember when I was new to NA I would walk to a meeting that was about 2 miles from my house at night. . . in December. . . just to go to a meeting. That was willingness (which is a verb). Now I've got a little clean time and I've lot some of that urgency and zeal.

So, I spoke with a friend from my home group and my sponsor and have made a commitment to my recovery to get outside my comfort zone, to display a little faith and willingness by going to some new meetings and expanding my support base.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Just For Today: A Perfect Measurement of Where I Am

It never fails, and yet I'm still often amazed. I read the Just For Today meditation and it describes exactly where I am at. Today was no different. I skipped one of my home group meetings (we have 5 a week) because I was asked to give a training presentation at work. I found out about it at the last minute, and I'm up for a new position as a Training Specialist. I couldn't pass up this opportunity. But, I also knew that I couldn't go to a meeting and have time to go over the 3 hour presentation. So, I skipped the meeting. I missed Saturday's meeting because I went to a movie (Grindhouse - Quentin = big waste of time) with a bunch of people in recovery. I didn't go Sunday because I was tired. Hmmm. Let's see the Just for Today said:

We have to work late. We're tired. There's a good show at the theater tonight. And all of a sudden, we notice that we haven't called our sponsor, been to a meeting, spoken to a newcomer, or even talked to God in quite a while.

That sounds awfully familiar. So, meeting tonight. Period. I'm so grateful for the gifts I have in my life today, but I HAVE to remember that they'll all be gone in a blink if I use. In fact, with everything in my life all I have to add is "unless I use." I have a great job. . . unless I use. I have a great relationship with my son. . . unless I use. I'm productive and happy for the most part. . . unless I use. You get the picture. So, I think, today, I will NOT use no matter what.

An Addicts Rationalizations Never End

The rationalizations of an addict never end. Check out this hilarious video on RecoverySuperstore's blog. I cried because I was laughing so freakin' hard.