Swimming in the Deep End of the Cess Pool

How quickly I can go from grateful to hateful never ceases to amaze me. I've just been in one of those funks lately where I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, nothing seems worthwhile, and it's so hard to see the joy in everyday life. I suffer from depression on a fairly regular basis- about once every 3-6 months whether I like it or not. But, I can honestly say that it's so much better going through it clean. The valleys are much lower, and I have tools and support to help me get through it.

I heard a newcomer share a few days ago that she was angry and confused. "I wake up in the morning and I have no idea whether I'm sad or happy." I knew exactly how she felt. I think for a lot of people, a statement like that would sound so foreign. How can you not know how you feel? But, I knew exactly what she means, as all addicts do. It gets frustrating sometimes. I want to be grown up. I want to embrace life and responsibility, but there is always this gravity pulling me toward something darker. On the days when I have the most using thoughts, it's never about the "good" times or having fun. It's always the path lined with razor-wire that entices me. . . telling me to come back where it's comfortable and I can be a victim.

So, last night I asked that my Higher Power take MY will and life, because that's the root cause. Usually, when I'm feeling so disillusioned it's because I'm confused about what I want and need. Nothing seems like enough. I'm scared or bored or tired or angry. What I have to remind myself is that I've never really been able to recognize what I want and need. I've never been very good at discerning what is good for me. That's why it's so important to turn my will over to my Higher Power. My HP can help me align my will with its will. Even though my feet feel like they are made of lead sometimes, I'm so glad I have NA.